Close encounters of the bizarre kind

An old man sidled up to me in the supermarket today. He said, in his frail old man's voice, "I'm looking for something for sex, but in my ear".

Naturally enough, I assumed that either he was barking mad or I needed to syringe out my ears again. I identified the nearest exit (which was behind me) and said calmly, "I beg your pardon?"

He repeated himself, and I did my best to understand what on earth he was talking about. In the end, it all made sense - just. He had a hearing aid, and his audiologist had told him that it would be easier to insert into his ear if he put a drop or two of "personal lubricant" on it. Something for sex - for his ear. See?

I got the impression he'd been roaming the supermarket in desperation, looking for someone non-threatening to ask for help. When he saw me all his dreams came true.

So I found myself standing in the "Health and Beauty" aisle in Coles helping him decide what type of lubricant to buy for his ear. Of course, his vision was shot too, so I had to read all the labels to him. You already know that he's deaf of course, so I was speaking pretty loudly. It took a while. I began to feel like everyone in town was walking past trying to figure out whether we were both weirdos or maybe just one of us.

He was very indecisive. In the end, he couldn't make up his mind at all and said he would just have to ask his audiologist for a brand name recommendation. I told him I thought that was a good idea and wished him all the best.

My New Years Resolution is to scowl more often so that this kind of thing doesn't happen to me so much.